Thursday, March 27, 2014

9 Things You Need To Know About Infidelity

There is never a good excuse for having an emotional or physical affair.  It is a choice that someone chooses to make.  Now, a person may regret it, may feel awful about the pain they cause, and they might even wish they had never done it.  However, there are no justifiable reasons. Usually it means the lines of communication are not open in your relationship, and whatever the cheating partner needed, they were not getting from you.  However - it's important to remember that THEY made the mistake of not stepping up to the plate and letting you know what they were missing.  So what are the nine things you need to know about infidelity?  Keeping reading... 

1. Emotional Disconnect:
The biggest reason for cheating on a mate is a lack of emotional connection or feeling appreciated by their partner. According to relationship therapist Bree Maresca-Kramer, trouble starts when a couple stops meeting each others needs, stops talking about things that matter, and gets distracted by daily schedules, work, kids, or business. "They stop trying. It almost becomes a business relationship."

2. The Best Defense Is A Great Offense:
Making your relationship a consistent priority, valuing your partner, communicating and staying connected are the absolute best ways to give yourselves the best chance against infidelity. According to Maresca-Kramer, compatibility is another bonus.  You want to have a high level of compatibility, which means you like the same things and your life goals and dreams are on the same page.  It is not impossible for people who do not have a high level of compatibility to have a good marriage - it just means they have to work a little bit harder and be more open.

3. These Personality Types Are More Likely To Stray:
Statistically, the following types are more likely to cheat; those who crave excitement, have a history of divorce, those who were sexually abused, or those who have psychological problems like bipolar disorder.  However, just to be clear, these are characteristics NOT excuses!  In fact, since most psychological problems like depression seem to zap energy levels, the majority of the people polled who suffer from it insist that cheating never enters their mind, since it would cause even more strain and stress of trying to manage a relationship while keeping secrets.

4. It's Not About Looks:
In couple's therapist Gary Neuman's new book "The Truth About Cheating," 88% of men surveyed said the women they had affairs with were not better looking or in better shape than their partners.

5. Biggest Signs of Cheating:
Neuman found that there are several common signs there could be something going on, or about to, including: spending more time away from home, having less sex, not answering the phone, more criticizing than usual, and avoiding physical contact.

6. What About Sexting, Texting Or Online Flirting?
With all of the new ways to communicate, how does one know where to draw the line between harmless flirting and betrayal?  Dr. Drew Pinsky says a good benchmark is to imagine your partner watching or reading what you are doing. Would they be upset or feel wronged?  If the answer is yes, then you are engaging in some level of betrayal.  Basically, if you are opening up and sharing personal things with someone else instead of your partner - you are doing wrong.

7. It Happened To You - It Wasn't You:
The most important thing to remember if your partner strays is that THEY made a really bad decision – and you didn’t. Instead of blaming yourself for their betrayal, appreciate your worth, know you are enough just as you are, and recognize the infidelity or other betrayal had nothing to do with you and everything to do with their poor choice.

8. When Opportunity Strikes:
Maybe Chris Rock was onto something when he said, “A man is basically as faithful as his options.” Although it sort of takes the scientific reasoning out of it all, various research does reveal that aside from emotional disconnect, the biggest reason for infidelity are the various opportunities that present themselves - plain and simple.

9. Once a Cheater...?
How do you know if they'll cheat again? How remorseful the guilty party is will give you a big clue about the future. If the person expresses real remorse and takes full responsibility for their actions, studies say they are less likely to embark on this destructive behavior again. One should be worried about the cheater who makes excuses for their behavior, or isn’t apologetic.

Remember, when someone chooses to cheat it's a result of selfishness, when you get right down to it. They feel entitled, they feel they 'deserve' it somehow. They even rationalize to themselves that something 'caused' it.  But by doing so, they are failing to take responsibility for it, and failing to admit THEY have a problem that needs fixing.  The bottom line is that if there was trouble in the relationship - they could have come to you instead of turning to someone else, and they were the one who decided did not!

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